Why?
by Pocus
Summary: A John Sheppard introspective.


Chapters: 1/1  
Rating K  
Pairing: None  
Beta: All on my own with this one. All mistakes are mine to keep.  
Disclaimers: Atlantis and its marvelous characters are not mine. But they help me at times.

A/N Just went through a very rough week and was feeling a little introspective myself.

Why?

Why? It is the eternal question. John Sheppard had been asking "Why?" for as long as he could remember. He recalled driving his parents and teachers crazy asking all sorts of questions. "Why do airplanes stay in the sky?" "Why do straws float up out of a soda?"

"Why are the dinosaurs gone?" As he had gotten older, the questions had changed, but the need to know the answer was just as strong. Sometimes it was even stronger.

Tonight was one of those times. It was a cool, clear night. The stars up above were bright with a white diamond shine to them. There was a slight breeze blowing. It ruffled Sheppard's hair and felt cool on his skin. He had been restless all evening. So many times he had tried to settle down to something, but had been unsuccessful. He had tried reading, but his book had held no interest for him. He was beginning to think that he would never finish War and Peace. He had tried to finalize the report about the team's last away mission, but had gotten no further than the initial meeting of yet another farming community devastated by the Wraith. Rodney was wrapped up in some lab experiment rewiring some weird looking Ancient contraption. Sheppard had tried to get in the way as much as possible, but no luck. He just could not get into harassing McKay tonight.

So here he was. Alone on a quiet balcony overlooking the ocean of Atlantis and lost again in the eternal "Why?" John leaned his elbows on the railing and dropped his forehead onto his clasped hands. The questions running around in his brain were making his head hurt. "Why wasn't he able to get rid of the Wraith once and for all?" "Why hadn't he been able to save Sumner?" "Why did Ford get away from him so many times?" These were some of the questions that he had asked himself thousands of times during the last few years. .

Sheppard had partial answers to most of his questions, but that did not mean that he liked the answers he had come up with. He would love to be able to answer at least one of them in a way that put that particular "Why?" to rest.

Listening to the waves lapping against the piers of the city was soothing to his spirit. As he straightened to a standing position, Sheppard ran a hand through his unruly hair. That was another mystery to him. "Why would his hair never lay flat?" It was one of the few puzzles he wasn't worried about solving. His hair seemed to intrigue people, especially those of the female persuasion. He could live with some mysteries in his life.

Leaning over to place his forearms on the railing, Sheppard thought back to his life before Atlantis. Life in Antarctica had been cold, hard at times, and sometimes boring, but it had been satisfying. He had enjoyed his time there. The biggest benefit was that he had been allowed to fly. The biggest drawback had been all the time to contemplate the "Why?" His questions at that time mainly involved only him and things that had happened in his life. "Why did he have a such a hard time following orders?" "Why couldn't he have a family life like most people?" "Why did good men, good friends, have to die?"

His thoughts wandered to the city he now lived in. Life in Atlantis was good. He liked being in charge. It made following orders that much easier. It is a little difficult to disobey your own orders even if you aren't happy with the options you have. Some of the orders that came from the SGC were a little tricky to work around. Most of the rest of the decisions came from Dr. Weir. John felt that he and Elizabeth made a good team. She had taught him to slow down and look for alternative answers instead of just jumping in while shooting. He had shown her that there are times you just need to act on instinct.

The people on Atlantis felt like family to Sheppard now. Being part of a close knit group was something he had not felt in a very long time. It is a feeling that can be a benefit in many ways, but could also be a serious drawback at times. He wanted his "family" to be happy, healthy, and safe. Which set up another question for him. "Why was he having so much trouble keeping them that way?"

Every single injury or death was a personal cross for John to bear. He knew, logically, he could not keep everyone from harm. Accidents happened all the time and there is no way he could prevent them all. He just wanted to be able to prevent some of them. Especially the ones that took his people away from him, either physically or mentally. Sheppard would do anything to keep those in his care safe, no matter the cost to him. "Why can't he save them all?"

Sheppard straightened up again and crossed his arms over his chest. Looking up at the bright stars above, he felt small and inconsequential. He heard a noise behind him and turned to find Ronon standing at the door. "Want to go for a run?" asked the larger man. Sheppard turned back to the stars and took a long look up. He was just one man in a very large universe. He did his best to make things work out well. Sometimes he won. Sometimes he lost. Many times he tied. He really could not ask for much more than that. Even if he wanted to.

The eternal "Why?" would always be there. If he ever managed to answer his current questions, there would be more. Some of them possibly more difficult to deal with then the ones he had now. At times he wished he could go back to the simple questions like "Why does a camel have a hump?" or "Why didn't the red head want to date me?" For now though, he would have to be deal with what he had.

He turned back to where Ronon was standing, ready to go. He nodded his head and said "Why not?"


End file.
